Newington Asshole Parade

For whatever reason, be it fate or coincidence, I have a history of falling for boys who happen to reside in Newington. It's not terribly strange, but still the odds aren't that great that I'd have flings with four boys from the same neighborhood, especially because I don't really have flings too often. Anyways...not only do I have some weird tendency to fall for Newington boys, but I happen to have the worst luck with them. As follows:

1. The low point of the period I had an infatuation with the first boy was when he said, "Listen, I just want to have sex with you without anyone knowing". To add insult to injury (as if it hadn't already been added and then some) this was about a month after we actually hung out, the majority of that time he'd been dating another girl and was still dating her at the time of his proposal, and he was eighteen, almost nineteen and I was barely fifteen. Awesome. Of course I said kthnxbi and proceeded to take several months to get over it.

2. The second boy was probably the best of the Newington crowd, which is sad, very, very sad. The first time we dated I wasn't aware we were dating until he broke up with me b/c one of my friends was available. And yet...I went out with him again when that girl got back together with her ex. I know, dumb, but we dated for most of the summer and he was really really sweet. The problem was, he was basically the girl in the relationship, and it was awkward. So, I broke up with him, and we remained friends for a while. Then, one random day he hated me. To this day I have no idea why. Sure, everyday we'd get in a fight where he'd make fun of me forever liking boy #1, I'd make fun of him for liking a lesbian, and then we'd call each other n00bs for ten minutes, but the next day we'd always sit next to each other on the bus (I'd be reluctant and feign still being pissed, but he'd either push be over or sit on top of my leg/lap and I'd forgive him). Then one day, we weren't cool. And, this is lovely; he wrote me a message saying, "ur a fucking idiot. i hope ur house catches fire tonight and u get out with severe burns jsut i cna goto the hostpital and laugh at you while i cut ur painkillers on and off. don't ever talk to lauren again u ugly pile of shit, ever dating u or taking u to my house was a huge mistake. the oonly i reason i ever took intrest in u was b/c u wanted to start smoking. u would've only been a resouce to offer me cigs then. and now in my eyes ur nothing but a peice of filth that i now have to deal with on a daily basis".

3. I'll admit I fell the hardest for this one, well maybe not quite as hard as I did for the first boy, but we were pretty cute...I still think so. But we fell out of touch, the last time I saw him was at the Bright Eyes concert where I had to hold him up he was so shitfaced and our last conversation went something like this:

Me: Why did you hang out with me in the first place? I mean...what were your intentions? Was I just something to fill up time?

Him: Well...isn't that why anyone hangs out with anyone else?

Me: I guess...but I tend to choose people I like and enjoy hanging out with. With that reasoning you could have hung out with anyone, there are billions of people on the planet, there was no reason to choose me.

Him: Well I guess you should feel lucky that for a little while I picked you instead of those billions of people.

4. Guy number four wasn't too horrible, accept we last hung out in January and it was great (Wafflehouse and the Docks) then we kind of kept missing each other’s phone calls and messages playing phonetag and whatnot. And...now...somehow he managed to get married and a baby’s on the way. What the fuck? He last messaged me in April. Apparently the baby is due in about 5 months. Something's not quite right there. Oh fucking well.

Goodbye forever, Newington Asshole Parade.