The Person vs the Persona

Not Enough Sleep + Too Many Movies + Complicated Unrequited Feelings + Tendency to Make Analogies and References = This Ridiculously Long Poem

i'm flickering on
a projector screen
my eyes and tongue and head all fuzzy
words expressed blurred on the page
and in my brain
inebriation
sleep deprivation
not missing a beat
this is a classic
tonight
will most likely
be more of the same


hope that boy's there
drunken bogey
and i'll be bergman
reciting lines
perfect dialogue
cut/scene/fade
and he'll return to becall
the script still works
and i'll swoon
each time
i see him on the silver screen
this works out
the moviegoer
the cinephile
and the archetype
in black and white

when he's not calling me "kid"
he's more than rick blaine
more than bogart
his credits include
olivier's hamlet
and a brick with a twist
unambiguous orientation
found in newman
still
the archetypes
don't end there


oh the novels we speak of
the works that he's read
his literature lifeline
although proverbial
is all quite impressive
he's been
young werther in goethe
fitzgerald wrote him amory
(once again blaine)
when hemmingway birthed him
jake barnes was his name
but
he can't confess compson
can't deal with faulkner
in face of the fact
macbeth first brought up
sound and fury
signifying nothing

funny silly cliche
how
the characters
are all the same
their lot is stock
broken boys
i mean men
i mean those
coming of age
and then aging
---or just prematurely aged
lost and lonesome
waning idealist
dark
cynical
jaded
burnt out romantics
debauched
and desperate
habitually
intoxicated
from their youth
to their primes

lost the plot did I?
personal prologue
erratic subsequent shift
to male lead lime-light
even so,
i'm the ingenue
it's still my story
(or is to the highest extent
possible in patriarchy)
i'm the god damn damsel
trench-coated gamine
stocking and chemise
cig perched between
gloved fingers
smoke breath fusion
so cold
in the absence of technicolor
i'm the girl
that opened the scene
restless and weary
scorned by love
embittered by loss
mirroring
the departed lover
(never present enough for true departure)
i am the timeless
heroine in gray-scale
offsetting and delineating
fractured other half
met cute
but didn't end well

here i stand
at the station
or in the ascending rain
almost as forlorn
the unattained love
who injured me
by way of
unrequited love
and yet
i am not
like him
i may not be
the femme fatale
or the american sweetheart
or have a fraction of his heart
but i am
not like him
i am wide-eyed and hopeful
a candid romantic
still holding out
as the credits roll

People Can't Want What They Want

It's indian summer. It's overwhelming for September. The heat soaks into our skin and we melt into the sheets, into each other. It is meaningless. Touch is just touch and we do not connect. Wine soaked tongues molest each other, fingers grope and the pleasure is not happiness. But this is real. It is contentment. The simplicity cannot disappoint. It's so easy. Feelings are messy and unsatisfying. Not too long ago I fell for a boy simply because of the way he made me feel. There was comfort security ease and joy. I was happy but unfulfilled. He couldn't feed my intellect, excite me with thought and opposition, inform me, tell me anything new. His mind left me wanting. His presence warmed me but he bored me. And he lost the singular ability to put me at ease when he fell for someone else in my life; he let me down. Another recent encounter managed to stimulate me, surprise me, impress me. His unnecessary emotions, his intense reactions were my own. He felt too much and I wanted to feel his burdens rather than my similar ones. I wanted to soothe his hurt. (My predisposition) We discussed film noir and playwrights, southern stream of consciousness, feleni and dark comedy. He was an old soul, a romantic, living in the wrong era as I am. But for these reasons he loves a girl intensely. I was, once again, too late. My hopes were merely budding, too new and undeveloped to fall. He is just a concept, a half passed thought not formed. Boys and men, males struggling through these stages come and go. They take and clutch or say too long, convincing themselves there is something more than the harsh physical reality. I don't want caresses nor do I want roughness. Leave the compliments, the electrifying pulses, the nothing of contact, the morning afters, and the good graces at the door. I want passion with heart. I want an ugliness so pure and true I can taste it bittersweet and see its biting beauty, i want talks greater than words, to speak of works and heartbreak archetypes, idols, pasts, and deities. I want truth. I want a boy who holds my attention who is not merely moments but an event, a boy to wait for and anticipate. I want a boy who understands sadness so we can accept it and trade it in for joy. I want him to admit we have no control, to know we are merely children, to see we are innocent but tarnished, breakable, that we are love. Together we will be all these things, the truth of what we are.

Weak Allusions, Rants, and Failed Expressions Produce This:

poppy seeds after dinner
can't get to sleep
cough syrup prescription
can't get to sleep
passed out cold bottles
can't get to sleep
if only you could
adjust my dreams

but there is too much stimulation
too much to partake in
and regret
semantic pulses
chapped lips
abandoned bedsides
and the words they use to make it alright
any of it
(scared away or finding their own piece of mind)
say nothing at all
and the ones that stick around
only stay until you finish them

because we're only gramophones
with lipstick
typewriter clicks
press press press
hands on
if we break down
fail to compute
operate out of line
we get trashed
words like tease
or bitch
are flung across
our wire workings
and we're tapped out
or left on the curb

marguirite, machine
this mechanism can't dream
nanobots in my head
i place them steadily
because i can't speak
react
or dream
unless someone else allows me
even artificial intelligence
needs a sleep function
i'm just
a melted modem
burnt out batteries

Isn't This What College is For?

I'm reevaluating myself. Asking all those questions you ask yourself a billions times throughout life and don't really figure out until you look back and see what it is you wanted and how you presented yourself. You know, the usual ones:
-Who the fuck am I? (When we get down to the very core)
-What do I want to be perceived as?
-What don't I like about myself?
-How do I fix the things i don't like, keep the essential parts of my personality, and transform into what I really want to be?
-What is holding me back?
-WHO is holding me back? What friendships aren't worth maintaining? Who have a grown apart from or even grown out of? Who just creates drama and negative energy? Who do I feel comfortable or totally like myself around?

I'll get back to you when I have an answer myself. Also, the big yet simple most important one of all:
What makes me happy?

Your Name Escapes Me

Run Dan Run and C.O. were wonderful last night, as always. I didn't enjoy C.O quite as much as the first time I saw them, but still could dig it. It just wasn't as intense of a performance. RDR was even better than before, but I wish they had played more off of basic mechanics. Fabulous, nonetheless. And of course I took a break and went outside and the NEXT song they played after I went out was Your Name Escapes me. Soooo I literally sprinted back in. Hahaha. Fireworks Show was def. not what I'm usually into but they got really into it and the singer had an interesting voice so I danced my heart out to those sporadic, epic drum solos. "Jam Band" or not I enjoyed a sess. of songs that were like 10 min. long for the first time ever, so it was good.

Pictures will be up soon. They're being retarded right now though.

The Fort Rumor Mill

So I may have never stepped into Fort Mill in my life...but somehow I know a great deal of history involving its residents. Maybe because half of them relocated to CofC and they're the people I enjoy being around the most. But sometimes it's a bit much. I know who dated who, who's into who, who broke whose heart, who used to be friends, who isn't getting along with each other...And of course they're finding all of this out about me. I know enough about Fort Mill and its residents to have created a persona as one of them. It's fun to fake people out and tell them what part of Fort Mill I grew up in and what street I lived on and who I lived across. And sometimes they believe me. Why? Because it's easy to become a Fort Mill expert and because I've sort of assimilated into the group. I like the sense of community and the fact that I'm not actually from Fort Mill doesn't really matter. However, the Fort rumor Mill isn't as fun. I DON'T like being caught up in drama as if I've been a part of certain people's lives for years and have witnessed the events which have lead up to recent tipping points. I don't like people knowing who I'm crushing on, who I've made-out with, who I'm mad at, and intricate details of what happens to me on a nightly basis. Ultimately what I'm saying is the same phenomenon that allowed me to feel so at ease around certain people and feel a sense of familiarity is the same ridiculous mass consciousness that allows people to know a tad too much about me. So here's my proposal...Fort Millions, I love you...you are the majority of the company I keep, but let's stop the gossip. Let's accept that we just met and be comfortable not knowing every detail of our lives before college. And let's also keep current details to ourselves. If you want to tell me about your life or I want to tell you about mine, okay. But I don't need to know what happened to other people recently, I don't need to know who said/did/implied what to who. I'll get the details straight from the source if they want to tell me. And that's the way I expect everyone to find out about my life. Okay? No more he said she said. And now we can actually get to know each other instead of just ABOUT each other. ;D I love all the amazing people that somehow originated from the same town. Yay for Fort Mill minus the rumor part. ;D

Rock 'n' Roll, Deal With It

I am way to obsessed with that book...but seriously I'm checking it out of the cofc library as soon as I'm not so tired. Baha. It's just...The Rules of Attraction seemed like an exaggeration back when I first read it, but it's totally accurate. Drinking, drugs, random hookups, friends fucking your roommates (or in my case suite mate). Not that I couldn't figure that stuff was normal in this day and age. But what extremes. And about friends have sex with your living mates...can we just talk about that? The very same cuddle buddy/roommate of my dear friends had sex with my suite mate last night. What the fuck. I mean...at least his dry spell is over. He hasn't had sex since November. But could he have ended it by screwing someone else? That would have been cool. Technically I broke his dry spell...but not completely. I didn't help him "break in his bed" by having sex in it. It's whatever. I'm just sort of tired of getting drunk and emotional or sexual. I went a while without drinking. And I didn't drink Friday because of the whole sezuire that day thing. But that wasn't really a big deal. I'm feeling very Lauren-from-the-rules-of-attractionesqe right now. And I really don't want to mirror her realistic fictional experiences.

It's a story that might bore you, but you don't have to listen, because I always knew it was going to happen that way...

Shannyn Sossamon does dress ridiculously cute in the mediocre movie though. Definitely.

Are you Devo?

Ahhhhhh, last night was nice. MUCH better than Saturday night. That was the first night I got so shitfaced that I threw-up the ENTIRE contents of my stomach and blacked out on Amelia's bathroom floor. I never ever want to do that again. Empty stomach + swig of vodka + another swig of vodka + beer + a rum drink chris made me + another big swig of vodka + another even bigger swig of vodka = very unhappy, sick, embarrassingly drunk and vomiting me. Vodka is usually my friend. But not on nights when my stomach is empty and I keep grabbing the bottle and gulping it down until the taste gets to me and I need to stop/breathe. I am not a drunk...or a messy one at that...usually. But there's a first time for everything, everyone's been there, and Amelia and Justin were such sweethearts, helping me get from place to place (usually a bathroom), bringing me water, and telling me I'm beautiful. So...that's that, I guess.

Anyways, on a lighter note. LAST night. I slept over on canon street again. But this time not on the couch. It's so weird that I'm crushing on kristen and amelia's roommate...just a tad bit. All we really did was cuddle though. And I love that. The most comfy mattress and down sheets. I had weird dreams though. But anyways...back to that one roommate. I don't understand how kristen and amelia find him so unappealing. Amelia even admitted that he has a really nice body and a good face. I think he's a definite attractive and a sweetie pie too. Always baking cookies, and sharing food, and being adorable and playing with kristen's cat's, and sharing cigarettes, and just CUDDLING. Ugh. I sound like such a crazy person. And I don't have real feelings for him or anything. I could never DATE him. But I just feel really comfortable and happy around him. That doesn't mean I can't notice that duck from casino night and also be excited that he turns around and looks back at me. Or that I can't still think a certain boy is the bee's knees. Or that I can't be incredibly STOKED that a certain friend of a friend is going to be here in the near future. Anyways...I LOVE LOVE! ;D

The Rules of Attraction?

Honestly I only titled this blog TRoA because I'm feeling love for college life. I'm thinking about checking that book out from the cofc library, actually. First class of today starts at 11:00. Survey of American Lit. to present. Cool beans. My sister is ordering pizza tonight and letting me come over and raid her closet. Should be fun. I'm really hoping to get closer to her now that I'm living downtown. My favorite thing about the area is still all the cute guys...aka ducks. I don't know how I feel about having to keep up with the fashions though. I LOVE fashion...but 3 days of seeing 60% of the female population in high waisted skirts has nearly ruined them for me. So last night I traded in the skirt for a pair of ripped up cut-offs, a grey tank, and a checkered shirt. Chris: Do you wear those jeans to church? Me: What? No...why? Chris: Because they're your holy jeans.
Bahaha. I'm easily amused.

Today I'm wearing a green tank with white stripes and dark grey shorts. Apparently a lot of other people have got tired of dressing up (not that i ever will really tire of that) and are doing the casual thing as well. Shorts and tee-shirts. Casual wednesday.

I love college. And THIS OUTFIT from lookbook!:



So next couple days=dress cas.? I think so.

Edie and Igby

Back in middle school my older sister introduced me to what is now one of my all time favorite movies: Igby Goes Down. I love love love the rich characters, witty banter, and high drama. But what I really adore is Amanda Peet's wardrobe! I can't help but notice a little bit of an Edie Sedgwick influence in her character and costumes though. I mean...seriously...a narotic, drug addicted, yet stunning "dancer who doesn't dance" whose best friend is a gay artist and who wears striped sweaters with black tights, extravagent coats, and tailored dresses? Just look for self and try and tell me I'm wrong! :)

Vlog in my Blog?

Man and Wife the Former

I've definitely established that I do not want to get married. I think marriage is an old fashioned institute with too many restrictions and obligations. I think it means much more to stay together purely because you love someone then because you feel tied to them. "Committed" is a disillusioning euphanism. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robins have it right. And Conor Oberst definitely captures my view of marriage in the Desaparacidos songs Man and Wife the Former/Latter. However...

there is this adorable couple who lives a neighborhood over from mine. I think they're the ideal couple. I've spotted them twice...or at least I think it was them both times. Either way the couple or perhaps couples made me reconsider. The first time I saw them the man was checking the mail while the women showed up at the gate in her bathing suit and lovingly waited for him to return. At that second I wanted that. To swim and check mail and wait on a spouse. To do couple-ey things in suburbia. The second time I saw them they were walking dogs on the trail that goes all through my town. I was riding my bike and on the way back down the trail I saw them again sitting in the grass with the dogs resting and just...talking. It was adorable.

If I ever decide to settle down I want what they seem to have. Stability. A simple life with little routines and moments together that get them through the day. And the ability to be happy just being in each other's company.

Then again...maybe we've both got it right. Maybe they're not even married.

;D

And for my style inspiration I'll just have to flash back to what was once my favorite stylish couple. They are no longer together...but I love them just as much as individuals. Still...here's a picture from their glory days:

Things to look foward to...

Ducks, ducks, ducks. Bike Culture! Maybe even critical mass. Moe's Mondays. Andolini's fridays. No dress code. Learning. Meeting new people. Growing. Cupcakes at cupcake. 5 billion different pizza places. Style. Study seshs. Doing research in the library. Theatre 99. Shopping at the exchange factor regularly. Work study. Sittin' in the sun. Exploring. Dorm sleepovers. Philosophy, literature, film! (AKA more learning about stuff I actually care about!) Going to the hippodrome. Kulture Klashs. Going to shows without needing a ride. Clubbing. Bars. Dancing (in class and out). Figuring myself out, finally.

Fashion Foward look of the day courtesy Face Hunter:

Times, They Are A-Changin'

My last entry is ions old. Oh well. The past is ancient history, after all. Cliche, cliche, cliche. But it's all true. The future looks bright and hopeful. CofC this fall. Cannot wait! Today's the first day of orientation and it has been great. I'm sort of crushing on a guy from my orientation group. He surfs and likes good music and is from around here and a fan of kk and andolini's. I also met a cutie at the library a little while ago. But I think that duck has smoked himself retarded. A really sweet, cool chic named Powell let me bum a parliament. She works at Elysium and I'm totally hoping I can get my haircut by her. Half off before noon if you're a first time customer. Meeting in an hour for provincial students. Whatev. Thought it was a big deal, but there are a lot of us...so not really. I mean cute boy is one and he got accepted into the honors college.

Here's the fashion foward look of the day. Courtesy of look book. Gotta love it.